What I am going to share with you is a glimpse of my life at age 19, which happened to be during COVID, one of the most depressing few years in recent history. This time in my life made me realize all the darkness inside of me, and it isn’t the glorified murder type of darkness, but the darkness that grief and sadness gives you.
During this time, I was so consumed by all the bad things around me that made me question everything I ever knew. What is bad? What is good? Where do I draw a boundary in a relationship that I may have with someone? Do I even draw boundaries? Which relationship is beneficial for me? Do I look or more so, should I look at relationships with a scrutinizing eye even? I was questioning everything, and all of that was because of the messed up relationship that existed with my family.
Problem
My life, if you will, feels like it’s been looked upon under a microscope. Every move I make is being commented upon. Every friend I make is made to look bad because apparently “family” is better. My sleep schedule. My study schedule. My diet. I meant it when I said, “Everything”.
All of this during COVID times was inevitable and something I could not stop myself from attending to, not only because I was surrounded by family all the time but also because the impact it had on me made me incapable of doing anything else which further just affected everything I had to do.
Solution
I tried the conventional family talk and as you might have figured out, it didn’t work. I mean, what was I expecting from a stereotypical Indian family? I knew I had to deal with this as quickly as possible, so I read books, and after quite a bit of my own small research on how to address this situation, I found a book (“The Mountain is You” by Brianna West) that actually helped me. And by this, I don’t mean that this book was my guide to overcome everything, but this book helped me put together all the pieces, all the knowledge that I gathered to deal with this situation.
In the book, the author emphasized the importance of changing oneself in order to deal with one’s own issues. I was, to be honest, unwilling to accept the fact that “I” had to be the one that changes, and it could definitely be the trauma peeking through, but it is what it is. Irrespectively, I wanted to change as much of myself as I can for the better.
I tried taking things positively, being grateful, talking out the issues even if they couldn’t be resolved, journaling, meeting people that bring out the best in me and a lot more. And I am not going to lie, but despite the fact that these things are hard to follow through, once done, the changes you see in yourself and the world around you helps you heal in unexpected ways.
Closure
I would be lying if I said I have healed and am not resentful of my past and the present that it has affected. However, the changes that I have worked so hard to bring about in me have definitely transformed my life for the better. I have come a long way and have a longer way to tread in order to become the person I dreamt of becoming, emotionally and otherwise. With all the experience, my advice for anyone going through similar situations would be: understand what your issues are and slowly create a path to your better self. Don’t give up on the life you envisioned, push through and try your luck everywhere, whether it is career-related or related to the emotional baggage that you are facing. My realization was through the book, yours could be a scene in a movie, a conversation with a friend, family, or even just a stranger. So when the realization hits you, don’t let it go. Hold on to it and persevere because only you can give answers to your questions. It has to be you that works hard because even if the problem is external, it is the mind that is disturbed, and that mind is yours. Thus, we have to be the ones finding out our solutions.
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